Savor!

Change is here so move on to savor life.
My new blog:
Savor! and listen to "Be Grateful"

Olympic dreams

We've heard it all before. These athletes train like mad to beat someone by a 1/100 second. Watching it is exciting. I'm sure winning is great.
If hardship is training in disguise, we are all training for some brief magic moment. An inspiring word, a hug, chastising even and the best one: entertaining angels without knowing it.

Maybe if we all get into our best shape as a person, these winning moments can multiply and make life a little better. There is a choice: stay in our valley or climb mount Olympus.

Under the influence

I think teenage is not the only time we become invaded by hormones. No matter how mature minded, civilized, cultured, rich, educated or otherwise well prepared, endocrine forces invade our bodies. You might think I'm just blaming chemicals for our personal weakness. But we blame teenage oddness on it, why not the blues?
I see my own emotional ups and down in a daily cycle so clearly now except when I'm under their influence. So next time I feel down, maybe its not the person sitting across from me, or the person who ran into me even if it's on purpose....
Just take a deep breath. A miracle could have happened while we're fuming, feeling sorry, or just disappointed, and I don't want to miss that do I.

Knowing

Mary (my sister's) daughter Lily watched the Lion King 11 times in a row and drank soy sauce apparently. At least the little girl knows what she wants. During the 2 weeks since my foot was freed, much has happened. Doors are ajar and I started to get confused about which to choose. Why not be more like Lily? I want it when I want it one day at a time but just with a little more responsibility because we can't all drink soy sauce now can we.

If what I just said does not make sense, the future never makes complete sense. It's like looking through the rain drops on a window. It's never quite as sharp as you'd like until you take risks and experience what's there. 

Power outage?

An important phone call did not come last night because there was a power outage somewhere in the States. Talk about acts of God. The irony is that when you realize where real power lies, there is no fear, no confusion, no shying away but freedom to take enlightened steps to build the future. You see, electricity may have stopped but no power outage.

Nature refresher

My father was right (damn!). Morning air is good for you especially near plants. I live about a block from the botanical gardens and have only been there in the afternoon or evening. Instead of the gym, I walked up the hill through the subtropical trees in the rain while the sun also shone. By the time I got home past the early rush down the escalators, I felt light, clear and ready to fight Goliath.
It's one of the things my dad said I had to do: be refreshed by nature. Actually it was something about negative ions... what were the other must dos?...

Nibbled

I got a good nibble on my CV this week and will get a second phone interview tomorrow!

Talk about timing: a week since I've been wearing normal shoes. Yesterday, I even lost my slight limp from compensating for the uneven walking heights of each foot for 5 months. It was also the first very natural and impressive interview so far.

Uncertainty is the new normal?

When I started this blog, I was in the middle of emotional doldrums. It was due to boredom, feeling restricted and a perceived silence. Much of my busy, social noise was gone and I felt uncertain of myself and the future. During my 18 day prison and 6 month investigation, I just wanted the whole thing to end so I'd be safe. Kind of like wanting a horror movie to end (because it was too frightening or just plane bad). But in life the movie does not end. Fears, uncertainty, risk, danger, disease and death haunt even atheists. When I was found not guilty, some of the horror followed me because I am always a part of the problem; not just the extraordinary circumstance. Even if it affected my health, I had to deal first with myself.

The future is uncertain because it has not been built. It's easy to hide behind temporary fixes of our routines, schedules and constant electronic contact thinking they give security. But they do not remove risk. Just like being certain the Sun rises, cannot guarantee we will not die today. Gruesome thinking or just life?

Uncertainty is normal but not new.

Free at last

Yes, my foot is free.

Too positive?

When I had my middle toe amputation, it was suggested I was being too positive about the surgery. Maybe. But during my voluntary hermitage as the small wound healed, I believe I'm overly positive about people I care about. Always thinking they are at their best despite obvious signs of negative behavior. Without caring any less, seeing the truth of the moment could mean a separation or retreat from closeness. In the end, change is personal. All a third party can do is be there.

In front of CY's new house

I know I know. HSBC is in the picture but I'm facing Government House. The picture is what you see if you lived there.
Just another view of familiar things.

Space time continuum and being happy.

Existentialism and quantum mechanics were the holy grail for a younger Shing. Before geeks made billions and success of "the Big Bang theory", my physics major was an obscure unnoticed past. Now it's kind of mainstream I'll talk about it boldly.
Time is just a measurement of change. But it's necessary for us mortals to see how much time is left. So while we need it for science and convenience, measuring anything is by definition ... limiting.
Existentialism on the other hand is not in fashion. But it kind of encourages us not to be obsessed with time. For if only the present moment has practical and philosophic significance, why look at the clock?
Quantum mechanics is far cooler because you can't build an iPad without it. When you zero in on the smallest possible increment in time, energy only exists in distinct levels with nothing in between.
What I learn from "existential quanta" is that time doesn't matter in personal happiness.
I'm either completely happy or not at all, any one moment of existence, so recording how long I've been happy or unhappy is not useful.
Living moment by moment is actually a scientific and profoundly philosophical method on the level of special relativity theory.
If you're lost by what I said, just know it's cool to be a geek.

Enjoying the view

Seeing from another perspective is not easy but once you've done it, it's addictive. People use iPads to take photos because things look better in the big screen. I've been enjoying seeing my life through new eyes: a little like seeing Central from the green side.

Relaxed before dinner but setting up jobs jobs work work since dawn.

Politics and me

Everything is about power but I did not know it applied to myself. It's too easy to trap myself in the restrictions of the moment in order to be opportunistic. It's like jail which I do know something about.

Money is always an issue. Most people feel trapped by the lack of it. If money is the only limitation then all rich people would be like gods. Maybe some think they are.

True power comes from within. It is about security in who I am and knowing my personal purpose. This is a creative and interactive process more about love than money, power or sex: 3 things that seem to make the world turn. Look at the people behind the powerful, sexy or rich who may really feel weak, cowardly and wanting. They may just need someone to love, just like the rest of us.

We can't escape politics when dealing with others but we can't blame anyone when it comes to me myself and I. If politics is power play, a more genuine personal approach may get us out of self-imposed jail.

Meaning in creating

It's hard to imagine what you can't see with your eyes. But that's what faith and hope are about: being sure if what is not there ... yet.

This is possible because we can sense truth by experience and feeling. Parents with children, a couple in love, 2 best friends, sometimes even a stranger who seem to know.... it's subjective and can be real at least at that moment. What if 2 people share the same dream?

As I'm seeing my road ahead with some clarity, I'm getting the urge to draw or write about it. I guess this is why I'm writing my blog. Talking about it with others is encouraging me to no ends. It's fun. And everyday it gives new meaning to the "mundane".

Some parts of it need a little secrecy or delay until a face to face.

Dawn

I'm finally seeing my next step in specific detail. It's like a morning light is washing away the darkness. What was a shadow in the moonlight now appears illuminated by gentle sunlight of magic hour. I'm about to be on the road again.

Brewing excitement

Sounds like making beer only better because the relaxed buzz stays with you the whole day. That's how today felt.

Got in touch with more people, registered my experience with more international recruiters. Chatting, dreaming and not bored. Just like the overflowing of good fresh brew, I'm walking talking and about to bounce back into the mainstream. Ready to make a difference.

Busy making noise

Keeping busy. Good or bad? OK we need to work and live. But do we need all the noise?

I'd become addicted to "excitement" or the rabble of discussion. If it's not the phone, it's the news, or even silent noise like texts or emails... When I go back to the hotel after meetings, I instinctively turn on the TV.

After years of filling my head with sounds (even if it's good music), I'm finally able to hear myself think without the noise. It's a matter of coming to terms myself and liking my own company. Sometimes it's in silence we see more clearly.

Inspite of it all

The weather is heavy, hot and drowsy. Despite the lousy outside where I'm perpetually blinking and making an effort to breath (but not too deeply), I feel good inside.
I've gotten so used to waiting for some resolution that I habitually plan the end but forget to live.
Today, I could feel down because going out makes for congested breathing and fed up minds. But in spite of it all I'm alert, happy but just carrying groggy eye lids.

la liberté

Dinner as a schmuck

The title came to me just because a movie with a similar name is on tonight. But I kind of feel out of place because I've been eating at home or near by 99% of the time. Any awkwardness quickly disappeared. We laughed, complained, encouraged, ate, jabbered ... good times.

I guess I feel like a schmuck because dinner out feels so happening for me. So I'm going out again tonight.

Sorting downers

Feeling down can come from hunger, fatigue, fear, concerns... real or imagined... I think the first 2 are more common than we think. A walk, a bite, a tea or just a few deep breaths often does the trick.

Fear plagued me for the longest period perhaps in my life until this week. Last night, a friend invited me to watch Sleepy Hollow. The atmosphere of the movie induced some dark dreams but this morning, I snapped out of it and looked forward to the day.

It is only by comparing wake up moments that I saw the difference. Feeling down can become like having hidden in a dungeon. The despair can follow us even upon release and cast a spell of silent dread for the longest time. Laughter from the kids, jokes, joy, encouragement can all seem to come through distant tunnels before reaching my head.

Today, I'm alert can feel up or down without being invaded by a feeling. It's like being released from prison inside and out.

Multi-assured

Confidence and peace continues as the skies are thick with rain clouds. For me it brings clarity as scales on my eyes fall away. If there is doubt, I ask and I get assurances from strangers, friends and events.

I feel like I had my mansion burn down only to see everything I need to build something better waiting in the background. Only I could not see it until the old one was gone. The new foundation is already complete. I get to help create something new.

Returning to crowds

First time using the MTR. Not that I forgot what it was like but the noisy mob was intriguing to me. Smelly, chatty, invasive... but not yet maddening to a man who avoided them for months.
The tension on a Saturday night I guess is all about partying. Being absent for a while makes everything seem fresh and lively. I'll enjoy this while it lasts.

Doubting the Sun

My doctor said I've been really patient during my nearly 5 month foot wound healing process. It's easy to want to peel off the scab during the final week.  Not that there's any pain or much inconvenience walking; it's just I miss wearing a normal right shoe.
In a parallel universe, my career change is finally turning.

Like the darkest hour before the dawn, the past few weeks have seen the most excruciating moments. I think real winners or champions are the ones who can remain focused and persistent during the final week of practice.

I used to almost scoff at the spirituals that sing "the darkest hour is just before the dawn". That's because I thought "Big deal! The dawn is coming. Didn't you know? "

Well now I've gone through a long rough night wrestling with myself, I doubted the Sun would rise in moments.

Light

I realize I'm blocking my view of people, groups, organisations and even me. The question is what is being sought, despite what we say. And I've got to let go of caring about how people see me. It doesn't matter!  Not much has changed in outward circumstances but I'm feeling a boldness welling up.

Light shining through the dark. Could that be a key hole?

Career door

With more clarity in my head and heart, I've reduced my CV down to 2 pages more focused on leading a marketing team for information value. It's good to finally see clearly. A friend said our physical condition can mirror our spiritual one. So it's no coincidence that my eye sight has improved dramatically this year.
Now to open the right door.

Relaxed excitment

Truth relaxes but lies confuse. I feel like I'm going through graduating ceremony week: meeting friends and family, saying good bye to the past and hello to plans and dreams. This is happening without crowds or caps or gowns. But I'm just as excited and poised to take up new challenges, win new friends and enjoy.

New (familiar) song

Look to the hills from whence cometh your help
All your help cometh from the Lord
No matter the problem, He can solve them
He is God alone

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved (no)
He that keepeth thee will not slumber nor sleep
Any time day or night call Him up; He’ll make it all right
For He is God alone

There is no problem too hard
Nor situation He can’t resolve
Just trust Him and He, will set you free
He is God alone (2x)

Arrival

So much has gone through my head some of which I've written down. I needed some confirmation. Friends coming to collect something incidental turned out to be messengers of confirmation. Their words hit home one after another like drops of rain.
It felt like relief from a new source of water that began as a trickle and getting more substantial by the hour. My thirst is quenched. My fear washed away. Change that gonna come is here.

The Chosen

In a way I feel like Danny in the book "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. His father refused to speak to him for many years and explained before Danny would leave home:

"My father himself never talked to me, except when we studied together. He taught me with silence. He taught me to look into myself, to find my own strength, to walk around inside myself in company with my soul. . . . One learns of the pain of others by suffering one's own pain, he would say, by turning inside oneself, by finding one's own soul. And it is important to know of pain, he said. It destroys our self-pride, our arrogance, our indifference toward others. It makes us aware of how frail and tiny we are and of how much we must depend upon the Master of the Universe..."

When I first read this, I cried. And that was feeling sorry for poor Danny. Now, I  don't cry but rejoice that I'm learning this.

Clearly imagined

So many pressures, worries, limitations, baggage, burdens ... they all have their role in confusing us. Like a dusty wind shield, a good washing will clear the view of the way forward. I read "Surprised by joy" again and saw some of what I went through internally. Somehow the Sehnsucht could have been avoided because CS Lewis was struggling with apriori concepts; things that can't be empirically proven. But I was struggling with myself as I tried to find newness after a dry spell. As an idealist, I do think alot to try to understand patterns and learn from them. Actually I'm only trying to make life easier. Both Lewis and I could have avoided a lot of energy if we cleared our view.

After a lot of dealing with negativity and lies, I had become disillusioned and confused. If I gave up, I would be living in an overcast drizzling overture that could push me to desperation. I'm sure you've heard this quote before: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.": Henry David Thoreau.

But he also said, "I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
Imagine that?

Caged Tiger

Tiger Tiger. burning bright... Look up the poem by William Blake ... the feelings in the poem are so real. I feel like a caged tiger today and wonder if the power the poet describes is somewhere inside. A little embarrassing to say this because I'm sounding so self indulgent.

Believe me, I'm getting impatient and need to roam the forest more like a tiger.

Laughing at fear

Saw a horror movie that was about personal trauma so shocking, it became a shared hallucination between parent and child. Well made and should not be shown to children. For me, the movie symbolized habitual fear that overshadowed me. It actually made me laugh at the end.

Today lightness persists. Some memories that made me angry or regretful now make me smile. Feelings of "Rejection" morphed into just not the right time and moving on. "Serious" mistakes look more like mishaps or trip-ups.

I'm smiling because the "man in the mirror" is changing.

Power over me

I've always been a nice guy. Some say they finish last. If true, are all Olympic gold metalists mean people?

And who says coming first is always important. The problem with being too nice though is that it can be an obligation. I can become addicted to putting myself below others, mostly out of responsibility.

Power comes from the willing subject. So I must know when to cut off the voluntary submission if there is a chance of harm. It's important to prevent abuse, to my recent surprise, from friends and family.

It's about letting go and moving on.

Accepting love

You might think everyone wants love so the title is a no brainer. But we don't always take free gifts because there're often strings attached.
Even when NSA is talking about casual sex, it's never without conditions because the catch is to have no commitment or obligation. The absence of love is a string attached.

There may be no such thing as free lunch but there is ONLY free love for the taking... and I'm not talking about NSA. :-)

Too good to be true

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.
Did you ever think this verse is just too good to be true? Even if I proclaim I have faith to move mountains, maybe deep down I have my doubts about being able to get whatever I want. This is not a sermon although many sermons put conditions on what Jesus said. The truth is, I just don't know what I really want in life.

It's a human condition. Look at babies who can be completely compliant or are bored with anything after 5 minutes. Both kinds do not know what they want. I don't think we even know our own pleasure (see James 4:3).  The process of finding what we really want or God's will or fate, is our life journey.

The goal is to know what door to open... kind of sounds like a TV game show.

Adjusting to normal

From my first blog post, it's obvious I don't mind drama. But I'm about ready for some normality. After so many rude awakenings and shocks, I may be addicted to over reacting. Now that my foot is just a few weeks from normalcy, and a new career, I'm ready for some relief. It's between waiting for the moment you arrive safely home and missing the roller coaster ride which I like.
I just need a break and ride inside an isolated car seeing the peaks and troughs in relative quiet for a while. Knowing me though it won't be long before I opt for a convertible.
I guess normal is always relative.

Focus on dreams

Other worldly, head in the clouds, daydreamer, sleep walker: are these good traits? I guess not if you are trying to teach a child arithmetic. For personal growth though, I see some value. We've heard it all before in books like Peter Pan where childhood dreams and adult responsibilities pull 2 people apart.
What if a focus on real potential and real dreams can help us create life in deathly situations? How about trying to resolve a stale mate by not playing the original game? Who says my relationship with my family don't change?
Maybe dreaming does procrastinate cooking a meal, doing laundry or tending the garden; but focusing on the obscure non-obvious can see new opportunities, create a new way of living and embrace the life that surrounds us. How about letting go and let our minds wander doing the mundane routine things? Focusing on dreams.

Backpacking romance

It was during the cold war, University Summers, Eurorail pass, wandering Paris London Berlin and side trip to Solidarity Poland. I hummed along as a demonstration crowd sang a rewritten national anthem. I had forgotten about the dreams I had in confusing but cultural Europe. People loved good music, good food, social culture and celebrated it so differently in each country.
What I learned has dimmed at little. After going back to the same places since, the feeling is different. Much is improved like air conditioning in the Louvre, Eurostar, a United Berlin and Germany, richer, more cooperation but lost some of its romance. I would like to go back to Warsaw where I rode a horse drawn carriage at midnight with an Italian, Belgian, English and Greek. We chatted about our adventures as hoofs pounded the cobble stone narrow passages in the ancient city. I don't remember seeing anyone in the empty streets; just us, our voices, the quiet night and the sound of our voyage. I doubt a prosperous Poland will offer the same feeling.

I was changed during those months in a time gone by. My memories are still strong because I experienced it mostly by myself even when I was with friends. It may have just been the romance of youth but the truth of the cold war borders, dreams of unity, struggle for democracy, loving our own people, pride in our culture, enjoying company, a little drink... it was real and I know they are all still there in a changed form. There is still inspiration and romance to be found. The luggage will be different and I'll be less alone because I can share it all through my smart-device with my friends.

New old song

I need a new song in my heart but before I find one, this old one seems new today. It has been with me through many journeys.

Psalm 63

My soul thirsts for Thee,
and my flesh yearns for Thee
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus have I beheld Thee,
in the Sanctuary,
to see Thy power and Thy glory.

God, Thou art my God,
I shall seek Thee earnestly.

My soul thirsts for Thee,
and my flesh yearns for Thee
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus have I beheld Thee,
in the Sanctuary,
to see Thy power and Thy glory.

God, Thou art my God,
I shall seek Thee earnestly.

I shall seek Thee earnestly.

Feeling my limit

This is my conclusion that my own subjective feelings elude my reasonable comprehension and present to me a limit to my knowledge. Seeing moods swing like a pendulum through out the day despite what is happening around me, is new because I have blocked them out for so long.
It's a little like the Vulcans  in Startrek who are supposed to have evolved to control their feelings while experiencing them more deeply then us earthlings. I may have tried to do the same. Only I became insensitive to myself in every way. As I recovered one doctor asked me 2 years ago if I began to dream dreams and imagine my future. Indeed, whether it was the power of suggestion or a genuine observation, I was beginning to think about being fit and energetic in my life. Healing may have really begun on that day.
So after all this time, I have grown to enjoy my moods. Perhaps after nearly half a century, I am learning to channel the energy or calm or tears or even anger to something positive. But I will never understand why I feel the way I do.

Summer snow. By Keith Green.

"Unexpectedly, you came back to see, If I was waiting, like I promised long before. Your shadow filled the room, the music changed it's tune, When I saw you, you were standing at the door.
Like summer snow, you were an unexpected sight. A blazing sun, you were shining in the night, When I really should have known, that you'd be coming home.
I waited patiently, but I found it hard to see, If you were coming, why was there such a long delay.
At times I thought you lied, or else you would have tried, To let me know that you were coming back today.
Like summer snow, it falls around me in the cold. I can hear the echoes, of the warnings I was told. That I should know, that you'd be coming home. Like summer snow, you were an unexpected sight. A blazing sun, you came shining in the night, When I really should have known, that you'd be coming home. Unexpectedly, you came back to see.."

Spotlight Sunrise

This morning the bright Sun seems different. It is a huge spotlight in the East almost glaring and about to consume the whole view. Very inspiring.

Faith enough

Most people feel fed up all the time. I've been trained to tolerate and stay positive. Today was a good day. Foot wound started to scab which means the healing is nearly complete. My long tiresome project finally finished. May have a good catch at the end of the latest bite on my CV. But I felt fed up, relieved and then tired like I'd been on battle mode for a long time. I guess at these moments of recovery, many go out drinking. But I'm sitting with my feet up enjoying the feeling.
I think this is really a new beginning. I believe there's faith enough to last until I have more energy to fight on ... later.

Free to dream

I know "a never ending search" is cheating because the "red bus" in earlier entries was about a dream.
My point was not to stop dreaming: To feel completely at ease, sing, make an inspiring speech, make encouraging friends, create a business that naturally adapts to changing tastes, laugh with life, nurture children who love learning, learn Italian and Japanese, write a detective novel...
And I'm just getting started.

Even if I end up with work that is a bit unpleasant, it'll be OK if I feel free to chase my inspiration.

Never-ending search

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for". I think I'll keep seeking moments of light, laughter through tears, being surprised by joy, a hug in the rain...
My "big red double decker bus" is not the end but just the way of journeying through.

Yes I'm writing like a big corn ball because I feel happy. But I never would have thought it would be about a never ending search.

Here's the U2 song with a gospel choir.

Big red bus

What do I want? Seems like a simple question. But not easy to answer with complete clarity or honesty. We seem to lie the most about this to people around us.
If parents or society or friends or whatever we think is cool have a different impression of us, we lie to make ourselves seem cool or acceptable. I've heard a father tell his son not to be a bus driver but to own the bus company instead. What's missing from the conversation is that young boys want to drive a bus just because it looks like fun to operate something so big and eye catching.
As we get older we lie to cover up dreams that seem too big or unachievable. We just don't want people to laugh at our ability and to avoid facing our weakness.
I have a dream that has been edited so often, I'm a little out of touch with myself. What is the big red bus for me?

Rain storm

Raining so much today. I need this. It's like a baptism of clarity and the end of drought. In a Passage to India. Miss Quested was in a daze after experiencing the dark echos in the "Marabar Caves" and led people to believe she was assaulted by Dr. Azzis, did not awaken fully until a huge monsoon rain. I feel like I've been under a spell or daze. I need the clarity and refreshing of a torrential downpour wash the dust and drought away.

“Yes” to the wrong question

“He may not come when you want Him...but He's right on time” is what some black gospel choirs sing about. A contradiction but can be a sign of faith. Mrs. Moore an old lady in A Passage to India said: “Life rarely gives us what we want the moment we consider appropriate. Adventures do occur but not punctually.”

My nibble did turn into a bite but not before a 2 day wait which made me tense like a stretched rubber band. The job did not fit as well as the recruiter believed. 

Desperation while waiting for answered prayers, the desires of our hearts or the solution to the problem can stress us so much we miss the answer. That's why there is the slogan “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans”.

The 2 day wait for what may turn out to be nothing, actually prepared me for the real career change just around the corner or down the road. It’s better to be relaxed than planning on the “Yes” to the wrong question.

BTW, I just got another nibble.

Why wait?

Sitting in the airport lounge waiting for the plane to arrive and depart can be exciting or excruciating depending on your focus. If you are psyched about the destination like a beach holiday or visiting good friends, the tedium of travel is eclipse by the anticipation of destination. Of course if it’s returning to catch up on work or to go to a grilling meeting, the whole trip can be agony.

It seems that daily life is mostly a journey consisting of waiting. We learn to entertain and pass time with busy work, but we are waiting for an achievement, reaching a goal, going home, a partner, the pay cheque…

The difference is there is no physical plane waiting. We have a choice to do whatever we want.

I guess I have learned I’m waiting for myself to plan and make the journeys as fun and rewarding as possible; with a little help from my friends.

A bite?

The recruiter that nibbled called and said a visiting executive wanted to talk yesterday. It's a field of business I want to enter and I seem to fit their specs. Only the guy has yet to call. Hope it really turns into a bite.
Despite the delayed interview, I feel peace about the state of affairs. Let's see what happens today.

Rest vs stress

Even as I have avoided the MTR and shopping crowds while my foot healed, I had a lot of time to face myself. Much of my blog was about dealing with ignored feelings. As I wrote, I felt free from their grip.

Stress is struggling. In the city it may be about finding quiet and peace. While you can always go home or vacation, we cannot escape ourselves. Having grown up in the city, my suburban college years were a struggle to adjust to the peace and quiet. Doing things alone felt weird. But it was during those quiet moments that I saw who I was. Maybe I used to avoid myself and the struggle cause stress.

These last few months were similar. The world is changing quickly and can seem daunting.  I rediscovered rest and peace knowing the limitations of my thinking and efforts, but can still embrace every moment of life.

Feeling pain

Feeling pain is usually considered bad. But my recent experience begs to differ. My doctor says pain is good because it signifies the need for treatment or healing. I got used to numbing the pain for the past few years and became inert. Recently all my senses have been heightened and I feel more pain, more joy, more light, more darkness...

Somehow it makes me happy. All of it.

Looking the same.

Looking the same. Many people say that about me. Maybe it's because I've always looked this old. Meryl Streep said she always felt 40, I may have always looked 40. Except I'll be 50 this year.
This is not about the number or how I feel about subjective looks. I don't doubt some people think I look ugly but others have said I looked handsome. One thing I always knew is that I never looked average so avoided invitations to do TV ads.
I had the feeling that I'd be too recognizable.
What has changed recently is that I don't mind so much. The Internet has made many celebrities look almost the same and gave us so many of them.
I'm also comfortable with myself maybe for the first time. If I could only remember the name of the speaker who told us at Morrison house one summer in ancient Causeway Bay, to look at ourselves naked in the mirror until we can accept who we saw. It took me 35 years of looking....and I still look the same. For better or worse.
I would tell that preacher today: I only know I am rich in Life. And hope it shows.

Don’t look down!

I feel like I’ve walked up a sky scrapper to the top floor where I’m suddenly scared of heights. This is a culmination of events over a few years when I started from the underground garage. It feels like I had to climb the stairs through bad habits, sickness, weakness, fear, rude awakenings, disappointment, falling down, bad luck… hear the violin playing the pity solo?

Now I see I was not alone. There was encouragement, kind gestures, hugs, helping hands, healing, strength, health, new discoveries, good luck, new friends, old friends renewed… Now that I’m in higher spirits, it’s a little scary to think about falling.

Vertigo can be paralyzing. Just don’t look down. Take a deep breath. Then keep going.

Invisible hugs

I still get panicky. This time it's about the job presented to me by a recruiter nibbling at my CV. It's such a good fit, I began to plan the work involved in the shower and over lunch.
When I heard the boss would be on Hong Kong next week and might want to see me, caused the familiar hot flash which would be replaced by a chill down my spine.
This time though, I feel a warm comfort, like a hug instead. It's still there and I'm sitting on air conditioning.... weird.
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Reviving the victim

When my “online persona” is open to the public, I can see what friends are saying and doing all the time, and not to mention that all the things that interest me gets updated all day long, it’s easy to feel like a victim of life. You can be reacting to all this information; time will fly by and be left feeling quietly alone at bed time.

We can keep very busy managing all these connections. On a good day it feels like popularity, but more like a burden when we are depressed.

My second post today is about how much easier it is to feel like a victim amongst noise of information and requests for response. It’s something celebrities deal with. The difference is they make money from popularity and I don’t.

Star or not, at bed time, we are all left to face ourselves. It’s important to know if we are focusing on what is important. Otherwise, we will be a victim to the noise of madding crowd and the demands of strangers.

More than ever, we need to know who loves us and what makes sense in our lives. Because the star effect creates such contrast between crowded excitement and being alone, that the shock of loneliness can seem like death.

If we realize we must deal with our ego before other people, I think we will feel less a victim and more alive among friends.

Locally international

My foot is nearly healed. It never affected walking except I had to shield it from infection. So to avoid getting wet or stepped on, I restrict how much I go outside.

I can go to the office or work at home, but I don’t take long walks in crowds or eat at hawker stalls. Actually, I haven’t missed much. Now I’m nearly free of any mobility restrictions. I can look back at how it actually affected me.

Most of the public noise and chatter was screened out of my day. I was left with the essential items of life and work. The internet keeps me up to date with news, friends, and entertainment. I continued to get and start new work, like this blog. Boredom did set in very early on but I did not go out for parties or drinks. I sorted through the mess of photos, writing, movies and things at home. When I really needed social relief, friends came to my home or invited me to theirs. I missed nothing essential except for the noise that keeps us busy.

One of my overseas friends used to make whirlwind international trips and midnight teleconferences but was moved to a more local job with US clients. I’m still in contact with him through messaging and an occasional Skype call. It makes me think the new norm should be going deeper in local life while being able to stay internationally connected.

I had a job for 2 years which had me 2 weeks in London and 2 in Hong Kong. It was good money but hell on my body clock and friendships. The same job now would not require the same kind of travel. I would stay at each place as long as I could before getting on a plane.

It is possible to live like locals in both places while working internationally. I have decided to invest in deeper relationships by avoiding all unnecessary travel, be it a flight to London or a MTR to TST.

Stalemates or just mates

In chess the goal is to win. Duh! But we want the same in life. So the fad is to call compromise a win-win or war lose-lose. Secretly though we want to succeed and feel good. So don’t really mind if others lose.

Stalemates go against that. In Chinese chess the player who causes a stalemate wins, but in International chess it’s a draw. Maybe this shows the western mindset more accepting of no winner situations.

Winning in real life is quite ethereal. First, we can change the rules as we go. Then, each person has their own winning scenario to make it easy to convince ourselves of success or failure. This kind of thinking may help in work, sports or games but why make a win-lose distinction in our closest relationships?

Real relationships are about mutual compromise and devotion. It’s kind of pursuing a benevolent no win scenario. Maybe stalemate is the goal of good friendships.

Actualizing “virtuality”: making new “americas”

It’s not that new. Long distance communication started with the mailing system and actualized by long distance travel beginning with ships. They made virtual connections possible, although it all took time and money.

These outdated methods to connect created the countries in the American continents and accelerated their growth by using electricity, railways, the telegraph and phones: all new connection technologies that actualized the virtual intent to explore, expand and profit.

Today, the time and cost have dropped. Even 20 years ago a voice call to another country cost the same as a good meal. Now you can video call nearly for free. This possibility to talk face to face immediately rids the need for mail or transport and makes it possible to make new connections everyday with anyone, anywhere, anytime on broadband.

A revolution in technology but the human culture has yet to catch up because we really don’t know how to make the most of the new opportunities. Why? Lack of trust and our need for order poses the biggest barriers.

It took over 200 years for the USA to develop into today’s behemoth of cultural activity that still puzzle older cultures. Technology gave US citizens new ways to live together while the cultural systems had time to adjust.

If the types of technology that created the Americas is free, we have the potential to make new multi-national americas all the time, based on common interests, history, intentions and any new abstract human endeavor. But this technology has not solved the problem of our psychological need for privacy, order and rest.

Culture does not have much time to catch up so it does feel chaotic and stressful. We are looking for solid ground in a virtual world.

My first 7.9 earth quake experience was in Tokyo that shattered my dependence on solid ground. But the building I was in swayed for longer than the tremor and somehow absorbed the collateral damage.

Technology made by humans coped with the tremors. Humans also make cultural adjustments. Will our culture adjust to make the best use of the potent technology to create new americas? How long will we muddle through the virtual messiness before creating new solid ground? Let’s give it a try.

Peaceful excitement

Besides loneliness, boredom has bothered me as long as I can remember. I could not understand how doing the same thing can make me excited and bore me to death depending on my mood. Putting it this way, I guess the “problem” is me.

My upbringing taught me to deal with personal resistance to conformity by just “holding it in”. This is good advice for things like queuing up or being on time but not personal issues like friendship or career. To live fully, I must understand what my feelings are telling me.

Boredom is often my creative side calling. Restlessness pushes me to seek new ideas, designs, problem solve and talk things out. Sometimes, it’s a call to make more inspiring friends. Bored children sometimes do destructive things because they are trying new ways to entertain without safety or cultural limits. I also get the urge to throw water balloons at pedestrians or put stink bombs in country club restaurants….just to get a laugh. If only there were no consequences.

I have concluded that I have no fixed solutions to boredom. But this is OK if it can push us to new ideas and solutions. The feelings I look for are peace, joy and love as I am making decisions. Sounds corny or even religious, right?

Before you roll your eyes or say amen, I have found that wrong decisions are about struggling and finding the best personal path forward must leave me feeling both excited and at peace.

Wiping out the bogie man

Even when I was 5 I never took to panicking about bogie man stories. But for the past 6 years, I became accustomed to the shock of unpleasant surprises. In my first blog entry I mentioned about being arrested at the Shanghai airport and was subjected to a spurious investigation based on the threat of jail. They gave me a try for 18 days before my family bailed me out.

Besides being depressed, I felt helpless panic. The outcome of acquittal should have been relief but the chaotic investigation process left me a scab that hurt every time I get bad news and became my bogie man.

I would feel my heart racing and then recoiling to helpless submission. It was like sleeping on a night train I once took through East Germany in the 80’s, to be awoken by the border guard screaming “Passkontrol!” and slamming the cabin door open. During the time of my bogie man scar, my heart screamed at every negative question, piece of bad news or just having to ask for help.

Instead of seeing how I could ride what may seem like a 5 meter ocean wave, I would freeze and just washed to shore. Somehow today, 6 years to the day of my release from the 18 day incarceration, I still feel my heart jump when I notice a big wave coming my way, but I have learned to ride it while the bogie man wipes out.

Externalties taking over

Externalties. It’s supposed to be an economic term for indirect costs and benefits for a given transaction. An even cruder definition for the business person is how to make money when the product is free. The most current example is Facebook which approaches 1 billion registrations and value nearing 100 times earnings. Everyone is trying to figure out how to profit from so many people on the same network.

Maybe it things are not so different. It's easy to believe lemonade sold at the street corner because it’s fresh. The reason for success is that the buying experience feels like home. Price and quality are not completely direct. 

Somehow the internet is delivering so much externalities all the time that it is changing our view of reality, no matter how deep the addiction or how much some avoid it.

Relationships between people are what drive everything. It used to seem more direct because we had little choice but depend on face to face meetings or a phone call. With the mobile consumer internet, we can talk to more people everyday through texts, emails, social networks, video calls, anywhere, the quality of personal interactions can be overlooked. Quantity is trumping quality.

It would be easy to blame the new technology and add more physical reality to our lives, but we can have bad relationships with people we see everyday.

The difference is in using our brains to determine what people are really implying by their words and actions, instead of becoming numb by the number of connections we make. No matter we are Skyping or texting or having a face-to-face actual meeting, it’s still about externalities: indirect inferences, eye contact, clues, lies, invitations, rejections, trial and error, games… I guess when you can be straight with someone without all the pretentions; you have a potential good friend.

So externalities have always been there. The internet has just forced us to deal with a lot more of it. Those with the skills to cope will make a lot of fans and maybe money on the side. Just don’t forget your real friends and family.

We can’t live on externalities alone, but on the truth of those who love us.

Nature is not to be conquered

It's easy to think we can control everything because technology is dishing out information, entertainment, social connections, services, collaboration tools, video conferencing and many more new uses on the way. Some find it confusing and others feel  like a 3 year old in a mega toy store.
It is tempting to think we have control over Nature. The DNA genome and a complete neural model will be completed. We are on the way to understanding how we function. Processing power, storage, bandwidth have no limits. They are all becoming nearly free or at least openly accessible for a monthly fee. Will we control Nature?
Mr FA Hayek who wrote "The Constitution of Liberty" whose leanings are popular with conservatives and liberals, believes that acknowledging the limits of knowledge is as important as striving to attain knowledge. This is true when dealing with Nature which is about balance. Just look as a beautiful sunrise and the wonderful photos it gives us, illuminating everything in its magical light. Photographers call it magic hour. But think about  the Sun as a physicist, and you see a fusion machine that produces lethal radiation with the potential to kill us at anytime.
Nature is not to be conquered. It is about maintaining a mysterious balance of unrelated forces. This mystery is as important as our understanding. Some scientists think acknowledging that we can't know everything will discourage discovery. Then do research out of spite for the ignorant.

For me the Sunrise even on an overcast day is magical and mysterious. How can a fusion reactor be balanced by the forces in our solar system and on earth to sustain delicate life we see in a human baby? The contrast inspires awe and motivation to live richly.

A nibble

Got a nibble today on my CV which is on LinkedIn, headhunters and company websites. There is a choice to focus on my age and the competition instead of on patience, energy and intelligence. It's also better to put people above tasks or money.
Networking with people is easy now but relationships still thrive on trust. The way to set up mutual trusting relationships are often skipped over because it seems so easy to start new ones. But I think good friends or colleagues are worth the investment.

Einstein

"Wenn the Antworten Einfach sind, kann man Gott denken hoeren..." Einstein said, "When the answers are simple one can hear God think."
I am seeing this first hand as a problem solver for businesses and IT systems. The hardest obstacles are always people who say one thing and want something else. Seeing the real intentions is the key to the simple answers.
In our new social networked world, it's harder to see personal context among text messages and quick replies. But Einstein's wisdom still holds.

My secret change

It's secret because there is always mystery in life. Scary or exciting? You pick. I have gone through a low period because I felt let down for the longest time. It affected my health, my goals and my outlook on life. Finally after a toe amputation whose shock value lies in the proclamation, I am awakening to new realities. Some are social and global but it has more to do how I see life.
My doldrums (a nautical word for a patch of the sea with no wisp of wind), began with the shock of an arrest at Shanghai airport in 2006. The terror of an unknown investigation chaos that relied purely on psychological pressure, left me acquitted but down trodden.  It took me through 6 years of changes that were both exciting but depressing for me.
Finally, I feel stronger and focused on life. This blog is not about the past but how I am feeling the winds of change. My new sails are up and ready to share how a man about to turn 50 (though I feel like I just got my degree) reveals how fundamental change can be the new norm. Adjusting to this new tide of human ambition that is happening globally can be exciting. Hope I make a few new friends along the way.