Even when I was 5 I never took to panicking about bogie man
stories. But for the past 6 years, I became accustomed to the shock of
unpleasant surprises. In my first blog entry I mentioned about being arrested
at the Shanghai
airport and was subjected to a spurious investigation based on the threat of
jail. They gave me a try for 18 days before my family bailed me out.
Besides being depressed, I felt helpless panic. The outcome
of acquittal should have been relief but the chaotic investigation process left
me a scab that hurt every time I get bad news and became my bogie man.
I would feel my heart racing and then recoiling to helpless
submission. It was like sleeping on a night train I once took through East Germany in
the 80’s, to be awoken by the border guard screaming “Passkontrol!” and slamming the cabin door open. During the time of my bogie man scar, my heart
screamed at every negative question, piece of bad news or just having to ask for help.
Instead of seeing how I could ride what may seem like a 5
meter ocean wave, I would freeze and just washed to shore. Somehow today, 6 years to
the day of my release from the 18 day incarceration, I still feel my heart jump
when I notice a big wave coming my way, but I have learned to ride it while the bogie
man wipes out.
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