Feeling my limit

This is my conclusion that my own subjective feelings elude my reasonable comprehension and present to me a limit to my knowledge. Seeing moods swing like a pendulum through out the day despite what is happening around me, is new because I have blocked them out for so long.
It's a little like the Vulcans  in Startrek who are supposed to have evolved to control their feelings while experiencing them more deeply then us earthlings. I may have tried to do the same. Only I became insensitive to myself in every way. As I recovered one doctor asked me 2 years ago if I began to dream dreams and imagine my future. Indeed, whether it was the power of suggestion or a genuine observation, I was beginning to think about being fit and energetic in my life. Healing may have really begun on that day.
So after all this time, I have grown to enjoy my moods. Perhaps after nearly half a century, I am learning to channel the energy or calm or tears or even anger to something positive. But I will never understand why I feel the way I do.