Feeling my limit

This is my conclusion that my own subjective feelings elude my reasonable comprehension and present to me a limit to my knowledge. Seeing moods swing like a pendulum through out the day despite what is happening around me, is new because I have blocked them out for so long.
It's a little like the Vulcans  in Startrek who are supposed to have evolved to control their feelings while experiencing them more deeply then us earthlings. I may have tried to do the same. Only I became insensitive to myself in every way. As I recovered one doctor asked me 2 years ago if I began to dream dreams and imagine my future. Indeed, whether it was the power of suggestion or a genuine observation, I was beginning to think about being fit and energetic in my life. Healing may have really begun on that day.
So after all this time, I have grown to enjoy my moods. Perhaps after nearly half a century, I am learning to channel the energy or calm or tears or even anger to something positive. But I will never understand why I feel the way I do.

Summer snow. By Keith Green.

"Unexpectedly, you came back to see, If I was waiting, like I promised long before. Your shadow filled the room, the music changed it's tune, When I saw you, you were standing at the door.
Like summer snow, you were an unexpected sight. A blazing sun, you were shining in the night, When I really should have known, that you'd be coming home.
I waited patiently, but I found it hard to see, If you were coming, why was there such a long delay.
At times I thought you lied, or else you would have tried, To let me know that you were coming back today.
Like summer snow, it falls around me in the cold. I can hear the echoes, of the warnings I was told. That I should know, that you'd be coming home. Like summer snow, you were an unexpected sight. A blazing sun, you came shining in the night, When I really should have known, that you'd be coming home. Unexpectedly, you came back to see.."

Spotlight Sunrise

This morning the bright Sun seems different. It is a huge spotlight in the East almost glaring and about to consume the whole view. Very inspiring.

Faith enough

Most people feel fed up all the time. I've been trained to tolerate and stay positive. Today was a good day. Foot wound started to scab which means the healing is nearly complete. My long tiresome project finally finished. May have a good catch at the end of the latest bite on my CV. But I felt fed up, relieved and then tired like I'd been on battle mode for a long time. I guess at these moments of recovery, many go out drinking. But I'm sitting with my feet up enjoying the feeling.
I think this is really a new beginning. I believe there's faith enough to last until I have more energy to fight on ... later.

Free to dream

I know "a never ending search" is cheating because the "red bus" in earlier entries was about a dream.
My point was not to stop dreaming: To feel completely at ease, sing, make an inspiring speech, make encouraging friends, create a business that naturally adapts to changing tastes, laugh with life, nurture children who love learning, learn Italian and Japanese, write a detective novel...
And I'm just getting started.

Even if I end up with work that is a bit unpleasant, it'll be OK if I feel free to chase my inspiration.

Never-ending search

"I still haven't found what I'm looking for". I think I'll keep seeking moments of light, laughter through tears, being surprised by joy, a hug in the rain...
My "big red double decker bus" is not the end but just the way of journeying through.

Yes I'm writing like a big corn ball because I feel happy. But I never would have thought it would be about a never ending search.

Here's the U2 song with a gospel choir.

Big red bus

What do I want? Seems like a simple question. But not easy to answer with complete clarity or honesty. We seem to lie the most about this to people around us.
If parents or society or friends or whatever we think is cool have a different impression of us, we lie to make ourselves seem cool or acceptable. I've heard a father tell his son not to be a bus driver but to own the bus company instead. What's missing from the conversation is that young boys want to drive a bus just because it looks like fun to operate something so big and eye catching.
As we get older we lie to cover up dreams that seem too big or unachievable. We just don't want people to laugh at our ability and to avoid facing our weakness.
I have a dream that has been edited so often, I'm a little out of touch with myself. What is the big red bus for me?

Rain storm

Raining so much today. I need this. It's like a baptism of clarity and the end of drought. In a Passage to India. Miss Quested was in a daze after experiencing the dark echos in the "Marabar Caves" and led people to believe she was assaulted by Dr. Azzis, did not awaken fully until a huge monsoon rain. I feel like I've been under a spell or daze. I need the clarity and refreshing of a torrential downpour wash the dust and drought away.

“Yes” to the wrong question

“He may not come when you want Him...but He's right on time” is what some black gospel choirs sing about. A contradiction but can be a sign of faith. Mrs. Moore an old lady in A Passage to India said: “Life rarely gives us what we want the moment we consider appropriate. Adventures do occur but not punctually.”

My nibble did turn into a bite but not before a 2 day wait which made me tense like a stretched rubber band. The job did not fit as well as the recruiter believed. 

Desperation while waiting for answered prayers, the desires of our hearts or the solution to the problem can stress us so much we miss the answer. That's why there is the slogan “Life is what happens while we’re making other plans”.

The 2 day wait for what may turn out to be nothing, actually prepared me for the real career change just around the corner or down the road. It’s better to be relaxed than planning on the “Yes” to the wrong question.

BTW, I just got another nibble.

Why wait?

Sitting in the airport lounge waiting for the plane to arrive and depart can be exciting or excruciating depending on your focus. If you are psyched about the destination like a beach holiday or visiting good friends, the tedium of travel is eclipse by the anticipation of destination. Of course if it’s returning to catch up on work or to go to a grilling meeting, the whole trip can be agony.

It seems that daily life is mostly a journey consisting of waiting. We learn to entertain and pass time with busy work, but we are waiting for an achievement, reaching a goal, going home, a partner, the pay cheque…

The difference is there is no physical plane waiting. We have a choice to do whatever we want.

I guess I have learned I’m waiting for myself to plan and make the journeys as fun and rewarding as possible; with a little help from my friends.

A bite?

The recruiter that nibbled called and said a visiting executive wanted to talk yesterday. It's a field of business I want to enter and I seem to fit their specs. Only the guy has yet to call. Hope it really turns into a bite.
Despite the delayed interview, I feel peace about the state of affairs. Let's see what happens today.

Rest vs stress

Even as I have avoided the MTR and shopping crowds while my foot healed, I had a lot of time to face myself. Much of my blog was about dealing with ignored feelings. As I wrote, I felt free from their grip.

Stress is struggling. In the city it may be about finding quiet and peace. While you can always go home or vacation, we cannot escape ourselves. Having grown up in the city, my suburban college years were a struggle to adjust to the peace and quiet. Doing things alone felt weird. But it was during those quiet moments that I saw who I was. Maybe I used to avoid myself and the struggle cause stress.

These last few months were similar. The world is changing quickly and can seem daunting.  I rediscovered rest and peace knowing the limitations of my thinking and efforts, but can still embrace every moment of life.

Feeling pain

Feeling pain is usually considered bad. But my recent experience begs to differ. My doctor says pain is good because it signifies the need for treatment or healing. I got used to numbing the pain for the past few years and became inert. Recently all my senses have been heightened and I feel more pain, more joy, more light, more darkness...

Somehow it makes me happy. All of it.

Looking the same.

Looking the same. Many people say that about me. Maybe it's because I've always looked this old. Meryl Streep said she always felt 40, I may have always looked 40. Except I'll be 50 this year.
This is not about the number or how I feel about subjective looks. I don't doubt some people think I look ugly but others have said I looked handsome. One thing I always knew is that I never looked average so avoided invitations to do TV ads.
I had the feeling that I'd be too recognizable.
What has changed recently is that I don't mind so much. The Internet has made many celebrities look almost the same and gave us so many of them.
I'm also comfortable with myself maybe for the first time. If I could only remember the name of the speaker who told us at Morrison house one summer in ancient Causeway Bay, to look at ourselves naked in the mirror until we can accept who we saw. It took me 35 years of looking....and I still look the same. For better or worse.
I would tell that preacher today: I only know I am rich in Life. And hope it shows.

Don’t look down!

I feel like I’ve walked up a sky scrapper to the top floor where I’m suddenly scared of heights. This is a culmination of events over a few years when I started from the underground garage. It feels like I had to climb the stairs through bad habits, sickness, weakness, fear, rude awakenings, disappointment, falling down, bad luck… hear the violin playing the pity solo?

Now I see I was not alone. There was encouragement, kind gestures, hugs, helping hands, healing, strength, health, new discoveries, good luck, new friends, old friends renewed… Now that I’m in higher spirits, it’s a little scary to think about falling.

Vertigo can be paralyzing. Just don’t look down. Take a deep breath. Then keep going.

Invisible hugs

I still get panicky. This time it's about the job presented to me by a recruiter nibbling at my CV. It's such a good fit, I began to plan the work involved in the shower and over lunch.
When I heard the boss would be on Hong Kong next week and might want to see me, caused the familiar hot flash which would be replaced by a chill down my spine.
This time though, I feel a warm comfort, like a hug instead. It's still there and I'm sitting on air conditioning.... weird.
I'll let you know how it turns out.

Reviving the victim

When my “online persona” is open to the public, I can see what friends are saying and doing all the time, and not to mention that all the things that interest me gets updated all day long, it’s easy to feel like a victim of life. You can be reacting to all this information; time will fly by and be left feeling quietly alone at bed time.

We can keep very busy managing all these connections. On a good day it feels like popularity, but more like a burden when we are depressed.

My second post today is about how much easier it is to feel like a victim amongst noise of information and requests for response. It’s something celebrities deal with. The difference is they make money from popularity and I don’t.

Star or not, at bed time, we are all left to face ourselves. It’s important to know if we are focusing on what is important. Otherwise, we will be a victim to the noise of madding crowd and the demands of strangers.

More than ever, we need to know who loves us and what makes sense in our lives. Because the star effect creates such contrast between crowded excitement and being alone, that the shock of loneliness can seem like death.

If we realize we must deal with our ego before other people, I think we will feel less a victim and more alive among friends.

Locally international

My foot is nearly healed. It never affected walking except I had to shield it from infection. So to avoid getting wet or stepped on, I restrict how much I go outside.

I can go to the office or work at home, but I don’t take long walks in crowds or eat at hawker stalls. Actually, I haven’t missed much. Now I’m nearly free of any mobility restrictions. I can look back at how it actually affected me.

Most of the public noise and chatter was screened out of my day. I was left with the essential items of life and work. The internet keeps me up to date with news, friends, and entertainment. I continued to get and start new work, like this blog. Boredom did set in very early on but I did not go out for parties or drinks. I sorted through the mess of photos, writing, movies and things at home. When I really needed social relief, friends came to my home or invited me to theirs. I missed nothing essential except for the noise that keeps us busy.

One of my overseas friends used to make whirlwind international trips and midnight teleconferences but was moved to a more local job with US clients. I’m still in contact with him through messaging and an occasional Skype call. It makes me think the new norm should be going deeper in local life while being able to stay internationally connected.

I had a job for 2 years which had me 2 weeks in London and 2 in Hong Kong. It was good money but hell on my body clock and friendships. The same job now would not require the same kind of travel. I would stay at each place as long as I could before getting on a plane.

It is possible to live like locals in both places while working internationally. I have decided to invest in deeper relationships by avoiding all unnecessary travel, be it a flight to London or a MTR to TST.

Stalemates or just mates

In chess the goal is to win. Duh! But we want the same in life. So the fad is to call compromise a win-win or war lose-lose. Secretly though we want to succeed and feel good. So don’t really mind if others lose.

Stalemates go against that. In Chinese chess the player who causes a stalemate wins, but in International chess it’s a draw. Maybe this shows the western mindset more accepting of no winner situations.

Winning in real life is quite ethereal. First, we can change the rules as we go. Then, each person has their own winning scenario to make it easy to convince ourselves of success or failure. This kind of thinking may help in work, sports or games but why make a win-lose distinction in our closest relationships?

Real relationships are about mutual compromise and devotion. It’s kind of pursuing a benevolent no win scenario. Maybe stalemate is the goal of good friendships.

Actualizing “virtuality”: making new “americas”

It’s not that new. Long distance communication started with the mailing system and actualized by long distance travel beginning with ships. They made virtual connections possible, although it all took time and money.

These outdated methods to connect created the countries in the American continents and accelerated their growth by using electricity, railways, the telegraph and phones: all new connection technologies that actualized the virtual intent to explore, expand and profit.

Today, the time and cost have dropped. Even 20 years ago a voice call to another country cost the same as a good meal. Now you can video call nearly for free. This possibility to talk face to face immediately rids the need for mail or transport and makes it possible to make new connections everyday with anyone, anywhere, anytime on broadband.

A revolution in technology but the human culture has yet to catch up because we really don’t know how to make the most of the new opportunities. Why? Lack of trust and our need for order poses the biggest barriers.

It took over 200 years for the USA to develop into today’s behemoth of cultural activity that still puzzle older cultures. Technology gave US citizens new ways to live together while the cultural systems had time to adjust.

If the types of technology that created the Americas is free, we have the potential to make new multi-national americas all the time, based on common interests, history, intentions and any new abstract human endeavor. But this technology has not solved the problem of our psychological need for privacy, order and rest.

Culture does not have much time to catch up so it does feel chaotic and stressful. We are looking for solid ground in a virtual world.

My first 7.9 earth quake experience was in Tokyo that shattered my dependence on solid ground. But the building I was in swayed for longer than the tremor and somehow absorbed the collateral damage.

Technology made by humans coped with the tremors. Humans also make cultural adjustments. Will our culture adjust to make the best use of the potent technology to create new americas? How long will we muddle through the virtual messiness before creating new solid ground? Let’s give it a try.

Peaceful excitement

Besides loneliness, boredom has bothered me as long as I can remember. I could not understand how doing the same thing can make me excited and bore me to death depending on my mood. Putting it this way, I guess the “problem” is me.

My upbringing taught me to deal with personal resistance to conformity by just “holding it in”. This is good advice for things like queuing up or being on time but not personal issues like friendship or career. To live fully, I must understand what my feelings are telling me.

Boredom is often my creative side calling. Restlessness pushes me to seek new ideas, designs, problem solve and talk things out. Sometimes, it’s a call to make more inspiring friends. Bored children sometimes do destructive things because they are trying new ways to entertain without safety or cultural limits. I also get the urge to throw water balloons at pedestrians or put stink bombs in country club restaurants….just to get a laugh. If only there were no consequences.

I have concluded that I have no fixed solutions to boredom. But this is OK if it can push us to new ideas and solutions. The feelings I look for are peace, joy and love as I am making decisions. Sounds corny or even religious, right?

Before you roll your eyes or say amen, I have found that wrong decisions are about struggling and finding the best personal path forward must leave me feeling both excited and at peace.

Wiping out the bogie man

Even when I was 5 I never took to panicking about bogie man stories. But for the past 6 years, I became accustomed to the shock of unpleasant surprises. In my first blog entry I mentioned about being arrested at the Shanghai airport and was subjected to a spurious investigation based on the threat of jail. They gave me a try for 18 days before my family bailed me out.

Besides being depressed, I felt helpless panic. The outcome of acquittal should have been relief but the chaotic investigation process left me a scab that hurt every time I get bad news and became my bogie man.

I would feel my heart racing and then recoiling to helpless submission. It was like sleeping on a night train I once took through East Germany in the 80’s, to be awoken by the border guard screaming “Passkontrol!” and slamming the cabin door open. During the time of my bogie man scar, my heart screamed at every negative question, piece of bad news or just having to ask for help.

Instead of seeing how I could ride what may seem like a 5 meter ocean wave, I would freeze and just washed to shore. Somehow today, 6 years to the day of my release from the 18 day incarceration, I still feel my heart jump when I notice a big wave coming my way, but I have learned to ride it while the bogie man wipes out.

Externalties taking over

Externalties. It’s supposed to be an economic term for indirect costs and benefits for a given transaction. An even cruder definition for the business person is how to make money when the product is free. The most current example is Facebook which approaches 1 billion registrations and value nearing 100 times earnings. Everyone is trying to figure out how to profit from so many people on the same network.

Maybe it things are not so different. It's easy to believe lemonade sold at the street corner because it’s fresh. The reason for success is that the buying experience feels like home. Price and quality are not completely direct. 

Somehow the internet is delivering so much externalities all the time that it is changing our view of reality, no matter how deep the addiction or how much some avoid it.

Relationships between people are what drive everything. It used to seem more direct because we had little choice but depend on face to face meetings or a phone call. With the mobile consumer internet, we can talk to more people everyday through texts, emails, social networks, video calls, anywhere, the quality of personal interactions can be overlooked. Quantity is trumping quality.

It would be easy to blame the new technology and add more physical reality to our lives, but we can have bad relationships with people we see everyday.

The difference is in using our brains to determine what people are really implying by their words and actions, instead of becoming numb by the number of connections we make. No matter we are Skyping or texting or having a face-to-face actual meeting, it’s still about externalities: indirect inferences, eye contact, clues, lies, invitations, rejections, trial and error, games… I guess when you can be straight with someone without all the pretentions; you have a potential good friend.

So externalities have always been there. The internet has just forced us to deal with a lot more of it. Those with the skills to cope will make a lot of fans and maybe money on the side. Just don’t forget your real friends and family.

We can’t live on externalities alone, but on the truth of those who love us.

Nature is not to be conquered

It's easy to think we can control everything because technology is dishing out information, entertainment, social connections, services, collaboration tools, video conferencing and many more new uses on the way. Some find it confusing and others feel  like a 3 year old in a mega toy store.
It is tempting to think we have control over Nature. The DNA genome and a complete neural model will be completed. We are on the way to understanding how we function. Processing power, storage, bandwidth have no limits. They are all becoming nearly free or at least openly accessible for a monthly fee. Will we control Nature?
Mr FA Hayek who wrote "The Constitution of Liberty" whose leanings are popular with conservatives and liberals, believes that acknowledging the limits of knowledge is as important as striving to attain knowledge. This is true when dealing with Nature which is about balance. Just look as a beautiful sunrise and the wonderful photos it gives us, illuminating everything in its magical light. Photographers call it magic hour. But think about  the Sun as a physicist, and you see a fusion machine that produces lethal radiation with the potential to kill us at anytime.
Nature is not to be conquered. It is about maintaining a mysterious balance of unrelated forces. This mystery is as important as our understanding. Some scientists think acknowledging that we can't know everything will discourage discovery. Then do research out of spite for the ignorant.

For me the Sunrise even on an overcast day is magical and mysterious. How can a fusion reactor be balanced by the forces in our solar system and on earth to sustain delicate life we see in a human baby? The contrast inspires awe and motivation to live richly.

A nibble

Got a nibble today on my CV which is on LinkedIn, headhunters and company websites. There is a choice to focus on my age and the competition instead of on patience, energy and intelligence. It's also better to put people above tasks or money.
Networking with people is easy now but relationships still thrive on trust. The way to set up mutual trusting relationships are often skipped over because it seems so easy to start new ones. But I think good friends or colleagues are worth the investment.

Einstein

"Wenn the Antworten Einfach sind, kann man Gott denken hoeren..." Einstein said, "When the answers are simple one can hear God think."
I am seeing this first hand as a problem solver for businesses and IT systems. The hardest obstacles are always people who say one thing and want something else. Seeing the real intentions is the key to the simple answers.
In our new social networked world, it's harder to see personal context among text messages and quick replies. But Einstein's wisdom still holds.

My secret change

It's secret because there is always mystery in life. Scary or exciting? You pick. I have gone through a low period because I felt let down for the longest time. It affected my health, my goals and my outlook on life. Finally after a toe amputation whose shock value lies in the proclamation, I am awakening to new realities. Some are social and global but it has more to do how I see life.
My doldrums (a nautical word for a patch of the sea with no wisp of wind), began with the shock of an arrest at Shanghai airport in 2006. The terror of an unknown investigation chaos that relied purely on psychological pressure, left me acquitted but down trodden.  It took me through 6 years of changes that were both exciting but depressing for me.
Finally, I feel stronger and focused on life. This blog is not about the past but how I am feeling the winds of change. My new sails are up and ready to share how a man about to turn 50 (though I feel like I just got my degree) reveals how fundamental change can be the new norm. Adjusting to this new tide of human ambition that is happening globally can be exciting. Hope I make a few new friends along the way.