Enjoying the view

Seeing from another perspective is not easy but once you've done it, it's addictive. People use iPads to take photos because things look better in the big screen. I've been enjoying seeing my life through new eyes: a little like seeing Central from the green side.

Relaxed before dinner but setting up jobs jobs work work since dawn.

Politics and me

Everything is about power but I did not know it applied to myself. It's too easy to trap myself in the restrictions of the moment in order to be opportunistic. It's like jail which I do know something about.

Money is always an issue. Most people feel trapped by the lack of it. If money is the only limitation then all rich people would be like gods. Maybe some think they are.

True power comes from within. It is about security in who I am and knowing my personal purpose. This is a creative and interactive process more about love than money, power or sex: 3 things that seem to make the world turn. Look at the people behind the powerful, sexy or rich who may really feel weak, cowardly and wanting. They may just need someone to love, just like the rest of us.

We can't escape politics when dealing with others but we can't blame anyone when it comes to me myself and I. If politics is power play, a more genuine personal approach may get us out of self-imposed jail.

Meaning in creating

It's hard to imagine what you can't see with your eyes. But that's what faith and hope are about: being sure if what is not there ... yet.

This is possible because we can sense truth by experience and feeling. Parents with children, a couple in love, 2 best friends, sometimes even a stranger who seem to know.... it's subjective and can be real at least at that moment. What if 2 people share the same dream?

As I'm seeing my road ahead with some clarity, I'm getting the urge to draw or write about it. I guess this is why I'm writing my blog. Talking about it with others is encouraging me to no ends. It's fun. And everyday it gives new meaning to the "mundane".

Some parts of it need a little secrecy or delay until a face to face.

Dawn

I'm finally seeing my next step in specific detail. It's like a morning light is washing away the darkness. What was a shadow in the moonlight now appears illuminated by gentle sunlight of magic hour. I'm about to be on the road again.

Brewing excitement

Sounds like making beer only better because the relaxed buzz stays with you the whole day. That's how today felt.

Got in touch with more people, registered my experience with more international recruiters. Chatting, dreaming and not bored. Just like the overflowing of good fresh brew, I'm walking talking and about to bounce back into the mainstream. Ready to make a difference.

Busy making noise

Keeping busy. Good or bad? OK we need to work and live. But do we need all the noise?

I'd become addicted to "excitement" or the rabble of discussion. If it's not the phone, it's the news, or even silent noise like texts or emails... When I go back to the hotel after meetings, I instinctively turn on the TV.

After years of filling my head with sounds (even if it's good music), I'm finally able to hear myself think without the noise. It's a matter of coming to terms myself and liking my own company. Sometimes it's in silence we see more clearly.

Inspite of it all

The weather is heavy, hot and drowsy. Despite the lousy outside where I'm perpetually blinking and making an effort to breath (but not too deeply), I feel good inside.
I've gotten so used to waiting for some resolution that I habitually plan the end but forget to live.
Today, I could feel down because going out makes for congested breathing and fed up minds. But in spite of it all I'm alert, happy but just carrying groggy eye lids.

la liberté

Dinner as a schmuck

The title came to me just because a movie with a similar name is on tonight. But I kind of feel out of place because I've been eating at home or near by 99% of the time. Any awkwardness quickly disappeared. We laughed, complained, encouraged, ate, jabbered ... good times.

I guess I feel like a schmuck because dinner out feels so happening for me. So I'm going out again tonight.

Sorting downers

Feeling down can come from hunger, fatigue, fear, concerns... real or imagined... I think the first 2 are more common than we think. A walk, a bite, a tea or just a few deep breaths often does the trick.

Fear plagued me for the longest period perhaps in my life until this week. Last night, a friend invited me to watch Sleepy Hollow. The atmosphere of the movie induced some dark dreams but this morning, I snapped out of it and looked forward to the day.

It is only by comparing wake up moments that I saw the difference. Feeling down can become like having hidden in a dungeon. The despair can follow us even upon release and cast a spell of silent dread for the longest time. Laughter from the kids, jokes, joy, encouragement can all seem to come through distant tunnels before reaching my head.

Today, I'm alert can feel up or down without being invaded by a feeling. It's like being released from prison inside and out.

Multi-assured

Confidence and peace continues as the skies are thick with rain clouds. For me it brings clarity as scales on my eyes fall away. If there is doubt, I ask and I get assurances from strangers, friends and events.

I feel like I had my mansion burn down only to see everything I need to build something better waiting in the background. Only I could not see it until the old one was gone. The new foundation is already complete. I get to help create something new.

Returning to crowds

First time using the MTR. Not that I forgot what it was like but the noisy mob was intriguing to me. Smelly, chatty, invasive... but not yet maddening to a man who avoided them for months.
The tension on a Saturday night I guess is all about partying. Being absent for a while makes everything seem fresh and lively. I'll enjoy this while it lasts.

Doubting the Sun

My doctor said I've been really patient during my nearly 5 month foot wound healing process. It's easy to want to peel off the scab during the final week.  Not that there's any pain or much inconvenience walking; it's just I miss wearing a normal right shoe.
In a parallel universe, my career change is finally turning.

Like the darkest hour before the dawn, the past few weeks have seen the most excruciating moments. I think real winners or champions are the ones who can remain focused and persistent during the final week of practice.

I used to almost scoff at the spirituals that sing "the darkest hour is just before the dawn". That's because I thought "Big deal! The dawn is coming. Didn't you know? "

Well now I've gone through a long rough night wrestling with myself, I doubted the Sun would rise in moments.

Light

I realize I'm blocking my view of people, groups, organisations and even me. The question is what is being sought, despite what we say. And I've got to let go of caring about how people see me. It doesn't matter!  Not much has changed in outward circumstances but I'm feeling a boldness welling up.

Light shining through the dark. Could that be a key hole?

Career door

With more clarity in my head and heart, I've reduced my CV down to 2 pages more focused on leading a marketing team for information value. It's good to finally see clearly. A friend said our physical condition can mirror our spiritual one. So it's no coincidence that my eye sight has improved dramatically this year.
Now to open the right door.

Relaxed excitment

Truth relaxes but lies confuse. I feel like I'm going through graduating ceremony week: meeting friends and family, saying good bye to the past and hello to plans and dreams. This is happening without crowds or caps or gowns. But I'm just as excited and poised to take up new challenges, win new friends and enjoy.

New (familiar) song

Look to the hills from whence cometh your help
All your help cometh from the Lord
No matter the problem, He can solve them
He is God alone

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved (no)
He that keepeth thee will not slumber nor sleep
Any time day or night call Him up; He’ll make it all right
For He is God alone

There is no problem too hard
Nor situation He can’t resolve
Just trust Him and He, will set you free
He is God alone (2x)

Arrival

So much has gone through my head some of which I've written down. I needed some confirmation. Friends coming to collect something incidental turned out to be messengers of confirmation. Their words hit home one after another like drops of rain.
It felt like relief from a new source of water that began as a trickle and getting more substantial by the hour. My thirst is quenched. My fear washed away. Change that gonna come is here.

The Chosen

In a way I feel like Danny in the book "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. His father refused to speak to him for many years and explained before Danny would leave home:

"My father himself never talked to me, except when we studied together. He taught me with silence. He taught me to look into myself, to find my own strength, to walk around inside myself in company with my soul. . . . One learns of the pain of others by suffering one's own pain, he would say, by turning inside oneself, by finding one's own soul. And it is important to know of pain, he said. It destroys our self-pride, our arrogance, our indifference toward others. It makes us aware of how frail and tiny we are and of how much we must depend upon the Master of the Universe..."

When I first read this, I cried. And that was feeling sorry for poor Danny. Now, I  don't cry but rejoice that I'm learning this.

Clearly imagined

So many pressures, worries, limitations, baggage, burdens ... they all have their role in confusing us. Like a dusty wind shield, a good washing will clear the view of the way forward. I read "Surprised by joy" again and saw some of what I went through internally. Somehow the Sehnsucht could have been avoided because CS Lewis was struggling with apriori concepts; things that can't be empirically proven. But I was struggling with myself as I tried to find newness after a dry spell. As an idealist, I do think alot to try to understand patterns and learn from them. Actually I'm only trying to make life easier. Both Lewis and I could have avoided a lot of energy if we cleared our view.

After a lot of dealing with negativity and lies, I had become disillusioned and confused. If I gave up, I would be living in an overcast drizzling overture that could push me to desperation. I'm sure you've heard this quote before: "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.": Henry David Thoreau.

But he also said, "I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
Imagine that?

Caged Tiger

Tiger Tiger. burning bright... Look up the poem by William Blake ... the feelings in the poem are so real. I feel like a caged tiger today and wonder if the power the poet describes is somewhere inside. A little embarrassing to say this because I'm sounding so self indulgent.

Believe me, I'm getting impatient and need to roam the forest more like a tiger.

Laughing at fear

Saw a horror movie that was about personal trauma so shocking, it became a shared hallucination between parent and child. Well made and should not be shown to children. For me, the movie symbolized habitual fear that overshadowed me. It actually made me laugh at the end.

Today lightness persists. Some memories that made me angry or regretful now make me smile. Feelings of "Rejection" morphed into just not the right time and moving on. "Serious" mistakes look more like mishaps or trip-ups.

I'm smiling because the "man in the mirror" is changing.

Power over me

I've always been a nice guy. Some say they finish last. If true, are all Olympic gold metalists mean people?

And who says coming first is always important. The problem with being too nice though is that it can be an obligation. I can become addicted to putting myself below others, mostly out of responsibility.

Power comes from the willing subject. So I must know when to cut off the voluntary submission if there is a chance of harm. It's important to prevent abuse, to my recent surprise, from friends and family.

It's about letting go and moving on.

Accepting love

You might think everyone wants love so the title is a no brainer. But we don't always take free gifts because there're often strings attached.
Even when NSA is talking about casual sex, it's never without conditions because the catch is to have no commitment or obligation. The absence of love is a string attached.

There may be no such thing as free lunch but there is ONLY free love for the taking... and I'm not talking about NSA. :-)

Too good to be true

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.
Did you ever think this verse is just too good to be true? Even if I proclaim I have faith to move mountains, maybe deep down I have my doubts about being able to get whatever I want. This is not a sermon although many sermons put conditions on what Jesus said. The truth is, I just don't know what I really want in life.

It's a human condition. Look at babies who can be completely compliant or are bored with anything after 5 minutes. Both kinds do not know what they want. I don't think we even know our own pleasure (see James 4:3).  The process of finding what we really want or God's will or fate, is our life journey.

The goal is to know what door to open... kind of sounds like a TV game show.

Adjusting to normal

From my first blog post, it's obvious I don't mind drama. But I'm about ready for some normality. After so many rude awakenings and shocks, I may be addicted to over reacting. Now that my foot is just a few weeks from normalcy, and a new career, I'm ready for some relief. It's between waiting for the moment you arrive safely home and missing the roller coaster ride which I like.
I just need a break and ride inside an isolated car seeing the peaks and troughs in relative quiet for a while. Knowing me though it won't be long before I opt for a convertible.
I guess normal is always relative.

Focus on dreams

Other worldly, head in the clouds, daydreamer, sleep walker: are these good traits? I guess not if you are trying to teach a child arithmetic. For personal growth though, I see some value. We've heard it all before in books like Peter Pan where childhood dreams and adult responsibilities pull 2 people apart.
What if a focus on real potential and real dreams can help us create life in deathly situations? How about trying to resolve a stale mate by not playing the original game? Who says my relationship with my family don't change?
Maybe dreaming does procrastinate cooking a meal, doing laundry or tending the garden; but focusing on the obscure non-obvious can see new opportunities, create a new way of living and embrace the life that surrounds us. How about letting go and let our minds wander doing the mundane routine things? Focusing on dreams.

Backpacking romance

It was during the cold war, University Summers, Eurorail pass, wandering Paris London Berlin and side trip to Solidarity Poland. I hummed along as a demonstration crowd sang a rewritten national anthem. I had forgotten about the dreams I had in confusing but cultural Europe. People loved good music, good food, social culture and celebrated it so differently in each country.
What I learned has dimmed at little. After going back to the same places since, the feeling is different. Much is improved like air conditioning in the Louvre, Eurostar, a United Berlin and Germany, richer, more cooperation but lost some of its romance. I would like to go back to Warsaw where I rode a horse drawn carriage at midnight with an Italian, Belgian, English and Greek. We chatted about our adventures as hoofs pounded the cobble stone narrow passages in the ancient city. I don't remember seeing anyone in the empty streets; just us, our voices, the quiet night and the sound of our voyage. I doubt a prosperous Poland will offer the same feeling.

I was changed during those months in a time gone by. My memories are still strong because I experienced it mostly by myself even when I was with friends. It may have just been the romance of youth but the truth of the cold war borders, dreams of unity, struggle for democracy, loving our own people, pride in our culture, enjoying company, a little drink... it was real and I know they are all still there in a changed form. There is still inspiration and romance to be found. The luggage will be different and I'll be less alone because I can share it all through my smart-device with my friends.

New old song

I need a new song in my heart but before I find one, this old one seems new today. It has been with me through many journeys.

Psalm 63

My soul thirsts for Thee,
and my flesh yearns for Thee
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus have I beheld Thee,
in the Sanctuary,
to see Thy power and Thy glory.

God, Thou art my God,
I shall seek Thee earnestly.

My soul thirsts for Thee,
and my flesh yearns for Thee
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus have I beheld Thee,
in the Sanctuary,
to see Thy power and Thy glory.

God, Thou art my God,
I shall seek Thee earnestly.

I shall seek Thee earnestly.